Speaking for Your Parts in IFIO Couples Therapy: The Key to Healthier Communication
If you’ve been in IFS therapy or couples therapy, you may have come across the phrase “speak for your parts.” This concept is a foundational skill in Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO) couples therapy, which is based on Internal Family Systems (IFS).
In IFIO, learning to speak for your parts rather than from them is a powerful way to communicate with your partner from a grounded, compassionate place. It’s one of the first and most transformative tools we use in IFS-based couples therapy to help partners move from reactivity to connection.
What Does It Mean to Speak for Your Parts?
Let’s look at the following statement.
“You’re such a messy partner! Look at this dirty house!”
This kind of reactive statement likely comes from a part of you, often a protective one, speaking in frustration. The result is your partner’s own protective part likely gets triggered, and you end up in a cycle of blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
Compare that to:
“Hey babe, can I share something? There’s a part of me that feels really overwhelmed when I come home to a messy house. It makes me feel trapped.”
In this version, you’re still communicating discomfort, but now you’re speaking for your part, not from it. You're grounded in what IFS calls the Self: a state of calm, curiosity, and compassion. This invites gives your partner the best chance to hear you and allows you to feel grounded.
Why Speaking for Parts Matters in IFIO Couples Therapy
Speaking for parts is a core IFIO therapy tool for restoring emotional connection in relationships. When partners learn to name and speak for their inner protectors (like anger, irritation, or criticism), they can express needs without escalating conflict.
Over time, couples build a new foundation for communication based on vulnerability, trust, and Self-energy rather than power struggles or emotional shutdowns.
How to Access Self to Speak for Your Parts
According to the IFS Institute, the Self is:
“Competent, secure, self-assured, relaxed, and able to listen and respond to feedback.”
To speak for your parts effectively, you need to access this Self-energy. Here’s how to begin:
Notice the part that wants to speak (e.g., frustration, irritation).
Pause and ask: “How do I feel toward this part?”
Invite curiosity—try to observe without judging.
Ask the part: “What’s your hope in saying this?”
This simple shift lets you connect with your internal system and speak from a place of understanding and care.
Key IFIO Question: What’s the Hope?
A central IFIO practice is asking your parts what their hope is in expressing something.
Let’s revisit our earlier example:
“You’re such a messy partner!”
If you check in with the frustrated part behind this statement, you might hear:
“I want them to see how overwhelmed I am.”
“I feel alone in taking care of everything.”
This gives you access to vulnerability, which IFS calls exiles—the tender, often hidden emotions beneath our protectors. When you speak from Self and share on behalf of these parts, you invite real connection rather than defensiveness.
Real Relationship Change Starts Here
When both partners learn to speak for their parts instead of from them, everything shifts. Communication becomes more compassionate. Arguments become opportunities for connection. Vulnerability replaces blame.
At Parts of Me Therapy, we specialize in IFIO couples therapy and IFS Couples Intensives to help you and your partner reconnect with yourselves and each other. Build the relationship you’ve been desiring by booking a consult below.